I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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Close call…
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”