I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring