I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.