I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french