the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that鈥檚 not the word.
Hoarder. He鈥檚 a hoarder.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
This sounds bad:
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 馃槈
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!