Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
rise and shine we got egg
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.