Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else