[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
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when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”