I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Breakfast for Stoners:
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.