*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
don’t be scared
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.