I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The old gods are rising again.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.