Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Nomnomnomnom
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa