If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
You Might Also Like
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
sistine chapel
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed