band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.