Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer