Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.