[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
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Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me :
All Day At Night
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!