Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Rather alarming headline…
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”