Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.