If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
You Might Also Like
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.