I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I just ran a .003048K
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
constantly working on myself.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien