Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
That’s what I call a flat tire
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Shower sex be like:
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
#Caturday
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people