Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.