*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there