Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
You Might Also Like
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Air pods looking like an angry frog
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….