In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
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If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Banking tips
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.