When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.