We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Barbie gone wild
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.