You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My beach vacation Google searches
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
you will never know the true number of layers
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights