My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows