My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.