stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[montage of me giving-up]
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.