Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.