Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why