axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.