Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
When you don’t understand how floors work
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.