INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
cause of death:
autopsy.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.