I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.