If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s