If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Stop.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt