A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm