I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
You Might Also Like
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again