“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
You are what you delete.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.