TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”