If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
You Might Also Like
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
went fishing caught a bass
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.