(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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she explained it tho, she said
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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WebMD: *Blocked
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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