I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
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Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Writing, She Murdered.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.