Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
time machine? you mean a clock?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.