Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
This is hilarious….
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.