Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
This is painfully accurate 😅
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”